my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
