I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
