I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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