Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize