I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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