got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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