We named our party play list daddy issues
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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