Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
