What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
