bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
