i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
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