Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
