Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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