when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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