one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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