remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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