so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
