But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
