I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
