I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
