all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
