hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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