I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
