so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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