I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Randomize
