I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
He is an equal opportunity slut.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
