I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
