Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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