mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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