I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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