I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I am naked and annoyed.
These tits shall not be calmed
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
