You smell like stripper and shame
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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