it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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