I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
