I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
