im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
