I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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