I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
