Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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