Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
