Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
NoShamevember. You game?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
