Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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