remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
