Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
