Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
