this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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