hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
