why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
dude i'm inner monologue high
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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