i would punch a child for taco bell
I just cut my nipple shaving
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
