I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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