I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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