are you still at the devil's house?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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