So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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