I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
