The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
