All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I will be naked everywhere
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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