please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
