I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
he fucked my hip out of place.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
