I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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