Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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